Its all about the children isn’t it? Court is a disaster for children.

In terms of direct involvement,  children become objects to be scrutinized by the court, the parental guardian (often appointed by the Court to represent the children) the forensic psychiatrist (often appointed by the Court to examine the children). If examination is difficult for an adult, think how hard it is for a child.

In terms of indirect involvement even the ‘righter’ parent should know that the children are children of both parents, so alienation hurts them now and in the future. Parents often feel driven to ‘encourage’ the children to like them, or like them more in a pseudo competition, heightened by the stakes in Court. This can, as many therapy books relate, play into the hands of rapidly maturing kids who will almost unwittingly yet deliberately play each parent off against the other, to their long term detriment. Worse, some parents may poison the children’s view of the the other, perhaps feeling justified, perhaps involuntarily because of the pressures of the moment, or unwittingly within earshot of them. Ironically, the short term result of such manoeuvres will often boomerang against the parent. The long term effects will nearly always be damaging for the children,

It is best for the children to observe a convivial to neutral relationship between their parents; I do not underestimate the difficulties in achieving the balance but state it as a worthwhile objective.   A difficult litigation leads to a very strained and tempestuous post court result, causing still more harm.

Mediation avoids many of these pitfalls, as its shorter, the agreement endures longer, and should  result in a less hostile environment subsequently. The agreement can also be tailored to incorporate the children’s circumstances.

TIp: When the time comes to inform the children, I would urge parents in the right circumstances to do so together if possible. At that point I  would commend some outstanding books for parents and children to read which i shall detail in the forthcoming months. Some suit specific situations better than others.   There are  some excellent groups such as Banana Splits that cater for children of divorced parents. On the other hand, with some very well adjusted children, such help may be undesirable.

For more legal background and context concerning the children see sections on Legal Custody and Physical Custody.